Nowadays, creating relationships is seemingly easier than ever. Thereโs an app for every kind of rapport, helping you make connections specific to who you are. But if youโre a new mum, itโs not as easy as swiping right, and lonelinessโwhich is quickly becoming one of Britain's biggest public health issuesโcan be common in early motherhood.
As if 2 AM feedings, nappy changes, and just generally being responsible for a new life isnโt overwhelming enough, at times being a new mum can feel isolating. It can feel like your life has been suddenly hijacked by all things baby, leaving no time for socialising or self-care. Michelle Kennedy, founder of Peanut, knows this all too well. Dubbed โTinder for mums,โ the app brings like-minded mothers together, offering a support network and providing a more personal community where you can vent and receive advice from mums you trust.ย
The idea for the Peanut came after Kennedy struggled to make valuable connections with mothers she could relate to after her son Finlay was born, and the onset loneliness that came with that. โLoneliness wasnโt even something Iโd considered, at any point,โ Kennedy says. โTo be honest, itโs not madly comfortable to admit to feeling lonely aged 30. Itโs almost a feeling you canโt immediately pinpoint. Interestingly, since motherhood, itโs something I understand more acutely than ever before, almost something I am tuned in to, to spot it in others too.โ She wanted to make the experience motherhood less daunting, helping women maintain their identity by allowing them to build the type of community they want, tailored to their personalities, interests and needs.
Going from demanding job in tech, to spending every day alone with her newborn was an adjustment she hadnโt accounted for, and a difficult one at that. โWhen Finlay arrived, I felt as if I had been naive,โ she says. โI hadnโt appreciated how different everything would become. He was incredible, beautiful, fragile, I couldnโt believe Iโd had any part in something so perfectโall 9 pounds of himโbut I was scared, I felt like everything was changing and it was out of my control.โย
โIโd gone from working a million miles an hour, around people constantly and all of a sudden I was at home all day on my own with this little dude. My husband would go to work every day and โleaveโ me at home, sounds ridiculous to phrase it like that, but thatโs how it felt at the time.โ
Loneliness wasnโt even something Iโd considered, at any point.
For Michelle, a big part of that loneliness was down to the unexpected identity crisis that comes with becoming a mother, and not having anyone who would really understand what that was like. โThe strongest feeling was that Iโd really lost my identity, I wasnโt really sure who Michelle the Mother was. Admitting how I felt about the start of motherhood was not something I felt able to share at the time. I didnโt feel that it was socially acceptable to say โitโs really tough, and itโs not exactly what I thought it would beโ. I would share snippets with my friends, or my husband, but I didnโt really know how to articulate the feeling that I was lonely, and felt like I was faking it as a competent, together mother. Wherever I looked, I didnโt see anyone who seemed to be feeling the same way as me.โย
The importance of community when raising a child is often overlooked. While itโs no secret that motherhood is challenging, overwhelming and at times downright scary, all of that becomes a little bit more manageable when you have a support network who really get you, and know what youโre going through. But itโs easier said than done, and Kennedy knows from experience how hard it is to truly connect with other mothers. โYou try lots of different things,โ she says. โYou try to be an extrovert even if you donโt feel like one, in order to find someone to spend time with! Making mum friends was terrifying, and difficult.โย
Making friends as an adult is difficult enough, but itโs even harder when youโre dealing with the difficulties of motherhood. Itโs made even more challenging when youโre pressured by the cultural assumption that women will get along just because they have kids, something that in itself says a lot about how we think of motherhood. The notion that women lose their identity as soon as they procreate, and take on the role of โMumโ, does a huge disservice to women, and makes socialising that much more complicated.ย
โThere are so many different types of women, who all have different interests, values, points of view. Of course, not all mums are the same,โ explains Michelle. โThat artificial coming together because โyou're a mum, Iโm a mum, we need to hang outโ can be awkward and forced, and make you feel lonely all over again,โ she says, recounting how she tried NCT groups but was left feeling like she didnโt fit in with other mums.ย
She couldnโt relate to the portrayal of motherhood she was introduced to, and found there were no tools to communicate with mothers on her same wavelength. So she decided to take matters in her own hand, creating Peanut as a modern way for new-gen mums to connect, offering a solution to outdated Facebook groups and Mumsnet forums (challenging the stereotype that mums donโt know how to use technology).ย
In the two years since Peanut first launched, it has amassed over 650,000 users, whom Kennedy says are looking for nothing more than โa community, a sense of belonging, a sense of feeling normal, and wanting to find other women at a similar life stage.โ
The app is redefining our understanding of motherhood, but Kennedy says thereโs still a way to go. โThings are getting better, weโre already speaking about it in a different way to when we launched Peanut...but until women can really speak openly about the issues affecting them, pregnancy at work, maternity leave, the motherhood tax, we must keep the conversation going!โย